Relationship Counseling – Resources for Couples

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You got married or moved in together and now you are wondering why it’s so difficult to get along. You find it very hard to get your point across and suspect that there is something seriously wrong with you, your partner or your relationship.

Believe me, there is nothing wrong with either of you or your relationship!

This is part of the process of being in a committed relationship. This post gives you simple communication strategies for how to communicate effectively.

But beware! Simple doesn’t always mean easy. To get your point across you have to stay calm and think about what it is that is most important to you and then express that without blaming your partner for how you feel.

Sounds easy? I don’t think so. This is really about more than just communication! You are already communicating, but not in a way where you increase understanding.  Fighting and withdrawing emotionally from each other is communicating. But you are communicating the wrong thing in a negative way – you are not coming from the best in you!

• This is about you getting serious about your relationship and starting to define yourself and allowing your partner to define what she/he is truly about. No more pretending and no more getting upset about not agreeing. Now you have to grow up, figure out what you truly want and need, speak up and mean what you say, AND be accountable and do what you say you’re going to do.

One explanation for why it is difficult for you at this stage in your relationship, is that you and your partner progressed from the honeymoon stage; where you mostly focus on similarities and how attracted you are to each other. Now, your relationship is entering the next developmental stage, where you begin being aware of your differences and what you don’t like about each other.

Ugh, do we really have to go there? Yes, I am afraid so! For you to move on in your relationship, you have to progress through this stage. If you don’t, you are stuck in trouble and more trouble, and you are most likely going to get tired of fighting and long for a new and better relationship with harmony and without fights. Oh yah, that sounds nice! You long to get back to being in love!The good news is that you don’t have to go out and find a new partner to find love and passion!

• When couples are stuck in this difficult stage of beginning differentiation and not wanting to let go of the good feeling of being one, agreeing about everything and spending all their time together, partners have trouble holding on to their own perspective and at the same time validate the other’s different perspective.

However, if you don’t give up on your relationship and manage to work through this stage, there are benefits in the form of greater understanding and appreciation of each other and where you each are coming from – and yes more love and passion in your current relationship.

To fully understand each other’s different perspectives on an important issue that you are arguing about, you need to be able to talk about your main concerns without blaming your partner. Similarly, when your partner listens to your main concerns without taking it personally and reacting defensively, you are both on the right path to a more fulfilling and passionate relationship.

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Seven strategies to ensure effective communication (Remember communication is not THE issue, but a way to getting started with the important process of differentiation):

1. Choose a good time for both of you to sit down together.
2. Choose one topic to talk about at a time.
3. Stick to your topic and be specific.
4. Do not interrupt your partner. Hear each other out before you talk.
5. Practice active listening, recap and ask questions until you understand fully.
6. Ask your partner if your recap was accurate.
7. If you are having trouble, stop, calm yourself and think about why it is important for you to have this talk!

Try This: For the best result answer these questions before you sit down with your partner (This is about you learning about yourself so you are better able to self define and speak up):

1. What is most important to you?
2. How can you avoid blaming, be respectful and still be honest about how you feel and think?
3. How can you best respond to disrespectful remarks?
4. What way would be the best to invite you partner to be honest and open with you?
5. How can you ensure that you do not start a fight?
6. If you happen to find yourself in a fight with your partner, how can you calm yourself enough to stop what you are both doing?

The cartoon if from the Psychotherapy Networker. You can find it here.
Photo of finger-pointing “It was you!” by Jason Rogers
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Share your answers here on the blog – I love comments and questions!

I know the things we are discussing on this blog are private in nature and difficult to share, so I will suggest that you use a fictive name when you sign up to make your comment. I assure you that your email address is never shared.
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Please seek help if you need to. This blog is meant to help you with advice. If you do follow the advice I believe that your relationship will improve. But the advice here is no substitute for couples therapy.

Hi I am Irene. Thanks for visiting!

Sincerely Irene.

I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Mental Health Counselor. If you need to see a couples therapist (Fort Lauderdale) give me a call to make an appointment – call (954) 806-2974. I am a Caring Professional Couples Therapist dedicated to helping you save your marriage/relationship.

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